Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About Them?

You barely know them, but they’re all you can think about. You analyze every text, every glance, every tiny interaction—wondering if they feel the same way. Their attention makes you feel euphoric, but when they pull away (even slightly), you spiral.

If this sounds familiar, you might not be in love—you might be experiencing limerence.

Limerence isn’t just a crush. It’s an obsessive, all-consuming fixation on another person, often fueled by uncertainty. According to Tristan Sanchez (2024), limerence is marked by intrusive thoughts, idealization, and emotional highs and lows, often emerging when a person is feeling vulnerable or insecure.

So, what exactly is limerence? And more importantly, how do you break free?

Limerence vs. Love: What’s the Difference?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov first coined the term limerence in the 1970s to describe a state of involuntary emotional obsession with another person. Unlike real love—where trust, emotional security, and mutual understanding develop over time—limerence thrives on fantasy and uncertainty (Sanchez, 2024).

Some key differences:

• Love is grounded; limerence is obsessive.

• Love sees the whole person; limerence idealizes them.

• Love grows over time; limerence burns hot and fast.

Sanchez (2024) discusses how pop culture often romanticizes limerence, portraying it as passionate or even desirable. But in reality, it can lead to emotional distress—especially when feelings are unreciprocated.

Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence

If you’re unsure whether you’re experiencing love or limerence, here are some signs:

• You can’t stop thinking about them. Their presence dominates your thoughts, even when you try to focus elsewhere.

• You replay every interaction. You analyze texts and body language, searching for hidden meanings.

• Your mood depends on their response. If they show interest, you feel amazing. If they seem distant, you crash.

• You ignore red flags. Even if they’re unavailable or uninterested, you hold onto hope.

• You feel addicted. It’s like you need their attention to function.

Limerence is often strongest in situations where love is unrequited or uncertain, making it even more painful (Sanchez, 2024).

Why Do We Experience Limerence?

Limerence isn’t just about attraction—it often stems from deeper psychological patterns. Sanchez (2024) explains that it tends to emerge when someone is feeling emotionally vulnerable, struggling with low self-esteem, or carrying unresolved attachment wounds from childhood.

One reason limerence feels so intense is that it creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows. When the person gives attention, it triggers euphoria; when they pull away, it creates anxiety and longing. This unpredictability reinforces the obsession, making it feel like something we need to resolve.

It’s not necessarily the person we’re addicted to—it’s the feeling they create in us.

How to Break Free from Limerence

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you don’t have to stay stuck. Here’s how to begin letting go:

1. Recognize it for what it is. This isn’t love—it’s an emotional fixation. Naming it is the first step toward breaking free.

2. Limit exposure. If possible, create distance from the person to interrupt obsessive thought loops.

3. Stop feeding the fantasy. Challenge the idealized version of them. No one is perfect.

4. Refocus on yourself. Limerence thrives on seeking external validation. Work on building self-confidence and emotional independence.

5. Seek support. Therapy can help uncover the deeper attachment wounds fueling limerence.

Sanchez (2024) highlights that many classic stories—like Dostoevsky’s White Nights—show how unchecked limerence can distort reality. When we’re lost in an obsessive emotional state, we may convince ourselves that love is there when it isn’t.

Final Thoughts: Healing Beyond Obsession

The intensity of these feelings can be overwhelming. It may seem like you’ve found something rare, something life-changing. The emotional highs feel intoxicating, and the lows can be crushing. But real love isn’t about obsession, uncertainty, or waiting for someone to see your worth. Love is mutual. Love is steady. Love is safe.

So, where do you go from here?

1. Stop Searching for Validation in Someone Else

Right now, it might feel like your happiness depends on their attention. It doesn’t. No one person holds the key to your fulfillment. Your worth isn’t defined by whether they reciprocate your feelings—it never was.

2. Reclaim Your Energy

When all your emotional focus is tied to another person, it’s easy to lose yourself. Shift that energy inward. What excites you? What parts of your life have been put on hold while you’ve been caught up in this emotional rollercoaster? Reconnecting with yourself—through creative outlets, movement, friendships, or even therapy—can help break the cycle.

3. Let Go of the Idea That Closure Will Come from Them

A huge part of this struggle is the desire for answers: Do they love me or not? But even if they gave you a clear response, it wouldn’t resolve the deeper wounds underneath. Real closure doesn’t come from what they say or do—it comes from what you choose to accept.

4. Trust That Time Will Soften the Edges

What feels unbearable today won’t feel the same forever. Given time, space, and self-care, the intensity of these emotions will fade. You will get through this.

If you’re feeling stuck, you’re not alone. Many people have experienced the pain of longing for someone who cannot or will not reciprocate. But once you recognize what’s happening, you can begin to take your power back.

References

Sanchez, T. (2024). What is Love? On Love, Lust, and Limerence. The Philosopher’s Stone, Georgia Southern University.