The 4 Communication Habits That Harm Relationships (and How to Fix Them)
Does it ever feel like you and your partner have the same argument over and over? Maybe small disagreements turn into full-blown fights, or worse—one of you shuts down completely. No matter how hard you try, conversations seem to go in circles, leaving you both feeling frustrated, unheard, or disconnected.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Every couple faces challenges in communication, and sometimes, unhealthy patterns develop without either person realizing it. But the way you and your partner talk to each other—especially during conflict—has a bigger impact than you might think.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, found that four specific communication habits can predict serious relationship struggles, even separation. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they show up as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns don’t just create tension in the moment—they can slowly erode trust, emotional safety, and intimacy over time.
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in these cycles. Once you recognize the Four Horsemen, you can begin to shift the way you communicate, making space for deeper connection and understanding. Let’s take a closer look at what these patterns look like, how they might be showing up in your relationship, and, most importantly, how to change them.
Criticism: Attacking Your Partner Instead of the Problem
Criticism happens when a complaint turns into a personal attack. Instead of addressing a specific issue, it blames your partner’s character or personality.
It’s the difference between saying, “I was frustrated when I came home and saw the kitchen was still messy,” and “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
See the difference? The first one focuses on the problem, while the second makes it personal. When criticism becomes a habit, it creates an environment where one or both partners feel judged or unappreciated. Over time, this can lead to defensiveness, resentment, and emotional distance.
But here’s the thing—everyone complains sometimes. The problem isn’t voicing concerns; it’s how you do it. When criticism becomes the default way of expressing frustration, it makes real problem-solving impossible.
How to Fix It: Use a Gentle Start-Up
The way you bring up an issue sets the tone for the entire conversation. If you start with blame, your partner will likely get defensive. Instead, try using a gentle start-up—a way of expressing your feelings and needs without making your partner feel attacked.
A good rule of thumb is to focus on how you feel and what you need, rather than what your partner is doing wrong.
Here’s how you can reframe your words to express frustration without making it personal:
❌ “You never listen to me.”
✅ “I feel unheard when I talk about my day. Can we take a few minutes to check in tonight?”
❌ “You’re always late. You don’t respect my time.”
✅ “I feel frustrated when I’m waiting alone. Can we figure out a plan so we’re both on the same page about timing?”
This small shift makes a huge difference. When your partner doesn’t feel attacked, they’re much more likely to listen and engage in a real solution.
Contempt: The Most Toxic Communication Habit
While criticism focuses on what your partner is doing wrong, contempt takes it a step further. It’s not just about frustration—it’s about disrespect. Contempt happens when one partner talks down to the other, making them feel inferior, unworthy, or even disliked.
It can show up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mockery. It might sound like:
• “Oh wow, what a shock—you forgot again.”
• “You’re so clueless. Do I have to do everything around here?”
Out of all the Four Horsemen, contempt is the most dangerous. Gottman’s research shows that it is the strongest predictor of divorce. That’s because it makes one person feel like they’re beneath the other, which destroys emotional safety in the relationship. Over time, this creates resentment and deepens disconnection.
How to Fix It: Change the Lens You See Your Partner Through
When contempt becomes part of your relationship, it usually doesn’t come out of nowhere. It builds over time—often after feeling unheard, unappreciated, or let down in ways that matter to you. You might feel like you’re carrying more of the weight in the relationship, or that your partner just doesn’t get it. And when those feelings go unaddressed, frustration turns into resentment, and resentment turns into contempt.
If you’ve been stuck in this cycle, shifting out of contempt isn’t about forcing yourself to be positive or pretending your frustrations don’t exist. It’s about changing the lens you see your partner through—so that frustration doesn’t become the only thing you see.
Right now, contempt might be telling you a story about your partner:
• They never think about my needs.
• I always have to take care of everything.
• They don’t care as much as I do.
These thoughts might feel completely justified. But here’s the problem—when you only look for what your partner is doing wrong, you’ll keep finding evidence to support that belief. And over time, that belief will harden into certainty, making it even harder to reconnect.
So instead of asking yourself, Why do they always do this?, try asking:
• Is there a chance I’m overlooking the ways they do show up for me?
• Are there small things they do that I’ve stopped noticing?
• Have I been communicating what I need clearly, or just assuming they should know?
This isn’t about ignoring real problems. It’s about making room for a more balanced perspective—one that allows for frustration but also makes space for appreciation.
If showing appreciation feels unnatural right now, start small. Even if your partner isn’t meeting all of your expectations, are there little things they do that make life easier? Did they pick up dinner when you had a long day? Make an effort to check in? Take care of something you didn’t have to ask for? Noticing and acknowledging those things—even in small ways—can soften resentment and begin to shift the dynamic.
If contempt has become part of your communication, here’s how you can start shifting the tone:
❌ “Wow, must be nice to sit around while I do everything.”
✅ “I saw that you took care of the dishes tonight—thank you. I really appreciate that.”
❌ “Wow, I guess I have to do everything around here since you clearly don’t care.”
✅ “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with housework. Can we figure out a way to divide things up so it feels more balanced?”
The goal isn’t to fake positivity or overlook real issues. It’s to create an environment where both people feel valued, so when problems do come up, they can be addressed with respect instead of resentment.
Defensiveness: The Reflex to Shift Blame
Defensiveness is a natural reaction when you feel criticized, but over time, it can become a reflex—one that shuts down real communication. Instead of listening and responding with understanding, defensiveness turns the conversation into a battle over who’s right.
It often sounds like:
• “I only snapped at you because you were being rude first.”
• “You’re mad that I didn’t text you, but last week you forgot to call me, and I didn’t make a big deal out of it.”
• “That’s not true—I do help out! You just never notice.”
In the moment, being defensive might feel like protecting yourself. No one likes to feel attacked, blamed, or misunderstood. But here’s the problem—when both people are busy justifying their actions instead of acknowledging each other’s feelings, nothing gets resolved. The original issue is pushed aside, and now the conversation is about proving a point instead of actually fixing the problem.
Over time, defensiveness creates a cycle where neither person feels heard. If every attempt at addressing a concern turns into a debate about who’s more at fault, real issues get buried under frustration, and resentment builds.
How to Fix It: Take Responsibility for Your Part
The antidote to defensiveness isn’t about taking all the blame—it’s about owning your part in the situation, even if it’s small. This doesn’t mean admitting to something you didn’t do, but rather acknowledging the impact of your actions and making space for a productive conversation.
Instead of getting stuck in a cycle of blame, here’s how you can take responsibility in a way that moves the conversation forward:
❌ “Well, you didn’t text me last time, so I don’t see why you’re upset.”
✅ “You’re right, I should have let you know I’d be home late. I’ll make sure to do that next time.”
❌ “I do plenty around the house! You never give me credit.”
✅ “I see why you’re frustrated. I’ll try to be more mindful about helping out without being asked.”
Taking responsibility—even for just a small part of the issue—shows your partner that their feelings matter. It also makes it easier for them to do the same, which leads to real solutions instead of repeated arguments.
Stonewalling: Shutting Down Instead of Facing Conflict
Stonewalling happens when one person withdraws from a conversation, either emotionally or physically. Instead of engaging, they go silent, shut down, or leave the room. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed, flooded with emotion, or unsure of what to say.
For the person stonewalling, this can feel like the safest way to avoid making things worse. But for their partner, it can feel like they’re being ignored or abandoned. Over time, this creates a painful cycle—one person pulls away, the other pushes harder to be heard, and both end up feeling disconnected.
It might look like:
• Giving one-word answers or completely ignoring your partner
• Walking away in the middle of a conversation without explanation
• Focusing on your phone or TV instead of engaging
• Saying “I’m done talking about this” and refusing to continue
When stonewalling becomes a pattern, issues never get resolved. Instead, they get buried under growing resentment, making future conflicts even harder to navigate.
How to Fix It: Take a Break the Right Way
If you tend to shut down during conflict, the key isn’t forcing yourself to stay in a conversation when you feel overwhelmed—it’s learning to take a break that actually helps you calm down and return to the discussion in a productive way.
Stonewalling usually happens when your nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode during an argument. You might notice physical signs like:
• A racing heart
• Feeling hot or tense
• A blank mind, making it hard to respond
• A strong urge to escape the conversation
In these moments, shutting down might feel like the only option. But instead of withdrawing completely, communicate what’s happening so your partner knows you need space—not that you’re ignoring them.
Here are some examples of how to shift from stonewalling to constructive breaks
❌ Walking away without a word
✅ “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”
❌ Ignoring your partner and scrolling through your phone
✅ “I need a few minutes to clear my head. I promise I’ll come back so we can figure this out.”
What you do during the break matters. The goal is to reset—not to replay the argument in your head or mentally build your case. Try:
• Taking a walk or stretching
• Listening to music
• Deep breathing exercises (like inhaling for four seconds, holding for four, and exhaling for four)
• Writing down your thoughts instead of bottling them up
Once you’ve calmed down, come back to the conversation. If you’re still feeling tense, you can say, “I want to work through this, but I’m still feeling frustrated. Can we start by figuring out what we both need?”
Stonewalling isn’t about not caring—it’s usually a sign of emotional overload. But when you take intentional breaks instead of withdrawing completely, you create space for both you and your partner to feel heard and respected.
Why the Four Horsemen Are So Harmful to Relationships
The Four Horsemen don’t just damage communication; they erode the foundation of your relationship—trust, respect, and emotional intimacy. Research shows that couples stuck in these negative cycles experience higher stress, increased resentment, and a decline in overall satisfaction. On a physiological level, arguments involving the Four Horsemen can trigger a fight-or-flight response, making it harder to think clearly or listen to your partner. Recognizing these behaviors early and addressing them is crucial for breaking the cycle.
Practical Ways to Break the Cycle
Making these changes won’t happen overnight. Breaking old patterns takes time, patience, and a willingness to keep showing up, even when it’s hard. But every small step matters. And if you’re wondering whether it’s really possible to turn things around, consider this.
Here are some actionable steps to move toward healthier communication:
• Practice active listening. Make an effort to really hear your partner without interrupting or planning your response. Reflect back what you heard to show understanding. “So you’re saying you felt hurt when I didn’t call back right away. Is that right?”
• Set ground rules for conflict. Agree to avoid name-calling, yelling, or shutting down during arguments. Create a safe space for discussing difficult topics.
• Schedule regular check-ins. Dedicating time each week to calmly address concerns can prevent them from escalating.
• Work on emotional regulation. Recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed and take steps to calm yourself before responding.
• Seek support. If these patterns feel too deeply ingrained to tackle alone, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or therapist. A trained professional can provide tools and guidance tailored to your relationship.
While it’s possible to address the Four Horsemen on your own, some couples benefit from outside support. If conflicts feel unmanageable, therapy can provide a structured, safe space to rebuild communication and connection. Seeking help isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of commitment to your relationship.
You Can Rewrite Your Relationship’s Story
Picture this: You’re sitting across the table from your partner, the person you once felt completely in sync with. But now, the silence between you feels louder than your words. Maybe your conversations have started to feel like battles instead of bridges. Or perhaps, you’ve found yourself bracing for an argument before you even say how you feel.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Relationships don’t start this way. They begin with laughter, curiosity, and shared dreams. But somewhere along the way—between stress, misunderstandings, and unspoken hurts—negative patterns creep in. Criticism replaces curiosity. Contempt takes the place of admiration. Defensiveness becomes a wall you hide behind, and stonewalling feels like the only escape.
It’s not because you or your partner are bad or broken—it’s because life is hard, and relationships take more than love to thrive.
The truth is, every couple faces moments like this. The ones who grow together aren’t the ones who never hurt each other or never fight. They’re the ones who choose, time and time again, to repair. To pause, to reflect, and to say, “I want us to be better.” And it’s that choice—the decision to show up, even when it feels messy—that can change everything.
I’ve worked with couples who felt completely stuck—trapped in the same arguments, convinced they’d never get back to where they once were. But I’ve also seen what happens when two people decide to break the cycle together.
Take a couple struggling with constant miscommunication. Every conversation seemed to turn into a fight, and neither felt truly heard. One partner would criticize, the other would get defensive, and eventually, one of them would shut down completely. The tension built up until even the smallest things triggered a blowout.
But when they started recognizing these patterns, things slowly began to change. They practiced pausing before reacting, taking responsibility for their part, and showing appreciation in ways they hadn’t before. Over time, their arguments became shorter, their conversations felt safer, and for the first time in a long time, they felt like a team again. The Four Horsemen might feel powerful, but they’re not invincible. With intention, compassion, and a willingness to try, you can rewrite your story as a couple. You can take what feels broken and make it whole.
So, here’s my question for you: What’s one small step you can take today?
Maybe it’s expressing something you’re grateful for instead of pointing out a flaw. Maybe it’s apologizing for something you said in the heat of the moment. Or maybe it’s just sitting down with your partner and saying, “I know we’re struggling, but I want to figure this out together.”
Change takes time, but every great journey starts with a single step. Your relationship isn’t defined by the past—it’s shaped by what you choose next. If you need support, don’t hesitate to reach out. You deserve a relationship that feels safe, connected, and fulfilling. And with intention, you can create it—together.
Improving communication takes intentional effort, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. Couples therapy can help you break unhealthy patterns, rebuild trust, and create a stronger, more connected relationship.
The Four Horsemen framework was developed by Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. For more information, visit Gottman.com
